The “Machine Burger” Is Intense, Fattening

If you didn’t follow my highly acclaimed, low ratings series “You’re Fat America” at Off Base Percentage, you’re missing out instead of being one of us cool kids who watched Arrested Development and Party Down from the beginning. I’ll let it slide this time and you can start with my obsession about Franken-foods that never should have been created here.

All it took was the Angels signing Albert Pujols to inspire a burger that set off my “you’re gross, America” siren and now here we are. So slide on your wife’s pregnancy pants and oil up the opening to your oversized SUV because it’s time to head over to the OC Sports Grill and ram a “Machine Burger” down your regret hole. Here’s the description while I google some of these words…

"The dish has plenty of gut-busting power. It includes 1/2 lb. of chimichurri seasoned angus, queso frito, pulled pork and cabbage tossed in “savon” sauce (adding plenty of Dominican flair), tomatoes, avocado and crispy onion straws. All told, it packs well over 2,000 calories, according to Carino. In case you’re curious, that’s at least four Big Mac’s worth of calories."

Chimichurri is a sauce or marinade from Argentina or Uraguay that should help keep your heart beating long enough to finish off a chocolate cheesecake. After that, you’re on your own. The menu doesn’t say anything about you being covered by Pujols’ medical insurance.

Listen, I’m no Jack LaLane of modern day fitness by any means. Or somebody more relevent. Is Paul P90X a person? Either way, I’m no health nut but you guys need to stop creating these monster sandwiches that could feed all of the children in one of those desert countries.

The Machine Burger is only $13.99? Oh, um, can I get mine no avacado?